Now Boarding: Panic Airlines

Yes, I’m very concerned about the potential threat for terrorism aboard an aircraft. I am a frequent flier and I have my beady little eye out, secretly surveilling my fellow passengers just in case they’re up to something nefarious. Inwardly, I’m hoping someone does do something untoward, not because I have a death wish but because I would relish an opportunity to beat somebody down and be lauded as a hero, rather than taken immediately to jail for assault.

We should all pay attention to our surroundings. Not just on the aircraft, but everywhere, and not just for terrorism, but for our own safety. But enough is enough! Sadly, I believe that if the terrorists really want to do something, they are going to do it and there’s no security force in the world that is going to prevent it. Short of arriving to the airport butt ass naked with no luggage, there’s not going to be any way of preventing a disaster. And even then, somebody just might be daring enough to stick something up parts unknown—ewww.

At any rate, the country has gone overboard in the weeks since the Christmas Day bomber. Every five minutes someone is being detained, arrested, molested, whatever because they were believed to be a terrorist. “That guy has a funny walk! He must be a terrorist.” “That woman has her face covered. She must be a terrorist.” “That little eight year old kid has the same name as a terrorist. He must be a terrorist.”

Seriously? I mean, seriously. Can we calm down please?

The latest story in this escapade is a young Jewish kid being detained because he was seen praying on an aircraft. Being Orthodox, the kid was wearing phylacteries, these little boxes that hold scripture. Some Jews tie them to various body parts, like the head and arms, while they complete their prayers. They are not weapons of mass destruction, but apparently some uneducated lackwit got nervous because the kid began praying, and added with those strange little boxes…. He must be a terrorist!

Last week I read a story about an 8 year old who happened to have the same name as a guy on the No-Fly List. Every time the kid goes to get on a plane, he’s practically molested for “security reasons.” His parents have tried talking to all kinds of security officials but nobody seems to be able to help them. It’s the lack of common sense that I’m appalled at. Yes, John Doe may be on the No-Fly List, but when John Doe, age 6 shows up, do you really think he’s on a No-Fly list? For what possible reason would an infant be on a No-Fly List? Think, people! Think.

Every time somebody bows their head in prayer, that isn’t a prelude to death. Every time you see someone babbling something you can’t understand, that doesn’t mean their discussing plans to take over the plane. Several weeks ago, two men were detained on a flight to Phoenix because they were speaking excitedly in Arabic to each other.

Ever hear of the story The Boy Who Cried Wolf? Well, if you cry wolf every five minutes, running to hit the panic button, the real wolf is going to get in. After all these false alarms, Mr. Wolf will walk right on up to the nearest fully loaded aircraft, take his seat and blow his pretty little ass up along with everybody else who got sick of all these panic attacks.

Calm down. Take a breath. Observe. Assess. Analyse. Conclude: A problem or not a problem.

Everything is not a fire. While you’re being distracted by Jewish teenager saying his morning prayer, the Big Bad Wolf is over there!