Bitch Fest #7: Screw You, Weatherman

As anybody will tell you, I simply adore the snow. One of the added perks of moving into this region had to do with the weather. All my life I’ve either lived tropical or desert; four seasons and a chilly winter is a major plus to me. You know, I get so sick of people who live in this area complaining every winter when it snows.

“I hate snow.”

“Oh, my God, it’s snowing.”

“Ugh. I can’t stand the snow.”

My Facebook and Twitter pages are full of friends who don’t like the inclement weather. I’m sorry they feel that way, but I pray faithfully every winter for a major snowstorm. So far, I’ve received two this season and I hope to go for a trifecta. That one right before Christmas was really top notch. We need one more like that, and I’ll find this winter to be absolutely perfect.

For these people who do not like the fluffy stuff, I urge them to move to Yuma, AZ. It doesn’t snow there. It doesn’t rain. It doesn’t do anything but be hot 361 days out of the year. There aren’t even any clouds in the sky to offer mercy from the relentless glare of molten sun burning out your corneas and scorching your flesh. Those other four days, you might get one little whiff of cloud. You can either live there, or you can live here. Deal with it. Because all the crying isn’t going to make the snow go away, if anything, it’ll make me just pray harder so you can be even more miserable.

My only gripe with the winter weather is that people seem to become automatically incompetent the minute the flakes start falling out of the sky. The state of Maryland must be run by mildly retarded four year olds. The weathermen–I’m sorry, meteorologists, or whatever they want to call themselves must be brainless mutants incapable of reading a weather map.

Look, I’m not a scientist, meteorologist, weather person, whatever… But I think I have the basic grasp of l0oking at a weather map. I understand, if very vaguely, the North Atlantic Current and the jet stream and shit like that. (Even though my expertise comes from watching disaster movies.) I have more than a passing interest in the weather; I sometimes sit and watch Weather Channel for hours on end. When I lived in Florida, it was for hurricane tracking (I’m into that sort of thing), but since I came up here, I pay close attention to the midwest, since whatever happens out there, usually winds up over here. How come no one else has figured this out yet?

So, I have the Weather Channel desk top thingie on my computer and I look at the weather every single day before I leave the house. I scrutinise it on Sundays when I pick out my work clothes. It wouldn’t be a good idea to pick out my most capable looking outfit if they’re expecting 10 inches of snow. Why doesn’t anybody else do this? How many of my friends say, “I didn’t know it was going to rain?” Okay, the weather isn’t going anywhere, people. It’s been affecting the planet since the Big Bang–I mean, since when God created the Earth. Why don’t people take this into account? I find that to be irritating.

Anyway, so I’ve been following this major midwestern storm since earlier this week and I figured, yeah, it looks like it’s headed this way. But the weatherman said it wasn’t. Every single day the forecast changed. First it was 70% chance of snow, then it was 30%, then it went back to 70%. As of LAST NIGHT, the weatherman said 40%.

FORTY FREAKIN’ PER CENT.

When I looked at the weather map, the snow line was clearly south of me, but knowing what I know about weather… these storm systems always travel north and east. It is very rare that they should go anywhere but that direction. The jet stream carries the systems out to sea. (Didn’t you guys watch The Perfect Storm, duh!) Since the weather was south of us, it has to come up! Why didn’t anybody else figure this out? I have nothing like these people’s experiences and degrees and even I could tell we were going to get more than the “light dusting” the stupid idiotic weatherman said we were going to get. I knew it, and that’s why I took my lunch break to go and buy groceries and some movies because I figured I was going to be in the house all weekend.

When I went to bed last night, the stupid forecast still said 40%, a possible accumulation of 1 to 2 inches.

Yeah, the fuck right.

EIGHT INCHES OF GODDAMN SNOW.

Not that I”m complaining because I love the snow, I just need these morons to get it together. You mean to tell me in this great technological age of ours, we are still incapable of predicting the weather less than 24 hours out? What are all these super computers and satellites and other bullshit for, then? I didn’t ask for you to tell me what the weather would be May 15, 2029. I just want to know what the weather will be THIS FREAKIN’ WEEKEND so I could make some plans. Yes, I did go to the store because I had that feeling, but there were other things I could have done earlier if the weatherman wasn’t a class A moron.

And then after the snow started this morning at 10AM, the forecast changed about six times. I wondered originally if this was going to be the “light dusting.” At 2, it was still snowing. Yeah, light dusting, my ass. At 4, still snowing. Six o’clock, still snowing. Every time I checked the weather for the end, they kept saying, “snow until this hour…” and that hour would pass and then they’d change it again.

Yea, I know you’re going to tell me that it isn’t an accurate science, and I’m sure it isn’t, but can we be a little bit closer than we are right now?

It’s 9PM and it is STILL GODDAMN snowing. You know what the forecast is saying now?

Snow until 2AM.

Seriously?

I mean, seriously. What frustrates me about the lack of clear understanding of weather patterns is that the incompetent state in which I live cannot plan well. I’m told the roads are horrible. Why? Because the weatherman said a light dusting. Why would you need snow plows and salt for a light dusting? I mean, really.

I just felt like bitching about something because I really haven’t bitched about anything in the past couple of weeks. I actually like the snow. Since it’s Saturday, I didn’t need to be anywhere. I just know it gets on everybody else’s nerves because they hate the snow. Oh well, too bad for you.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.