Cubicle Death #9: Meet My Co-Workers

So I’ve been on my new job for a few months now, and seriously, compared to jobs I’ve had in the past, I have almost no complaints. My father even made note of this. He asked me how I was getting on at my new position, and I said it was fine. He said, “It must be, because you never talk about it.” I guess he’s comparing it to the time when I worked on the plantation–I mean, TSA, and cried on the phone to him almost every night about how I wanted to commit public suicide.

I just finished reading a CareerBuilder article about strange things overheard in the office and wacky co-workers. It doesn’t matter what type of job you have, whether you’re a manual labourer or a white collar worker, you’re always going to have wacky ass co-workers. Hell, you might even be the wacky ass co-worker. I think I am, sometimes.

I currently work in an office with rows of cubicles. My co-workers are all techies. They do computer stuff with computer things, most of which I do not have a hope of understanding. Many of them are technically smart. I would say this group of co-workers is not as colourful and interesting as my fellow field hands–I mean, co-workers from TSA. They are not assholes like some of the jerks I worked with at That Other Job, though. I ‘ll say that. But they are an interesting group. I am one of three females in the office; the other two I don’t see very much.

So, let’s see, let me introduce you to these people. Although there are four cubes in my row, there’s only one other co-worker. That’s Loud-Talking, Everything Is Funny, Super Laugh Out Loud guy. Seriously, he talks like we’re on a flight line in the middle of a windstorm and a full-on orchestra is playing in the background. From shouting down the telephone to giving instructions to his subordinates, everything is shouted. When he laughs, the entire room shakes, because it’s so boisterous and loud.

Across from me is Smacky Lip, Loud Talking So In Love With His Wife. He’s a nice Jewish guy, but he also talks unnecessarily loud, particularly when he is on the phone with his wife. When he calls her he sounds like he’s in a Hallmark commercial. I would swear to God that it’s totally fake and it’s all an act, but he comes to the office VERY early in the morning, when everybody else comes in quite late. I walked in one morning and nobody else was here; he was already on the phone with his wife, still talking in that sweet, sugary, tooth-decaying voice. I call him Smacky Lip because he eats several pieces of fruit for breakfast each morning, and even though I cannot see him, I can hear him from across the cubicle wall. He slurps up each piece of fruit and then smacky, smacky, smacky until he is done eating. He also has a tendency to sigh repeatedly like he just found a dead puppy.

Next to him is Black Lung Cancer Cough of Death Overly Obese Man. This guy really cracks me up. He is quite overweight, poor thing. No, this is not a harrangue against fat people, but he is obviously is very poor health. He coughs like he was a coal miner for 15 years before he took an office job. He coughs so hard that I really feel like a black lung is about to pop out of his chest. Sometimes I feel like I need to call 911, because he will start coughing and just keep going, until he turns purple and I’m like, “Oh God, I don’t know CPR, so please don’t die.” So you would think a guy of his immense stature and obvious poor health would try to do something to improve upon his circumstances, but no, everyday he talks about the quality of the food in the cafeteria. I don’t care where you work, cafteria food is never that good. He’s always going on about how they use sub-standard cheese, and they only give you two pepperoni on the pizza and why do they mix lima beans and corn together. If the food is that bad, maybe you should bring your own. It might help you lose a little bit of weight and maybe that rancid cough will go away.

There is also Really Angry, Disgruntled Co-Worker Man. I’m seriously scared this guy is going to shoot up the office. Okay, maybe not that drastic but this guy does need a shrink, stat. He is always angry about something. Everything is a major catastrophe and a personal affront to his character. He comes to work with an expression like he just beat his wife, or maybe she beat him and that’s why he’s mad. He stares at his computer screen like it just whispered an ethnic slur at him. He bangs away at his keyboard all day long, shouts into his telephone at some “incompetent” worker. When they decided to move our desks around, he took it as a personal attack. Then he ranted throughout the office at how people were always out to get him. On Thanksgiving Eve, he called his daughter and told her he was working until 9PM. I heard from another co-worker that he does this all the time, but it’s not really necessary because we’re not swamped like that. I have no idea what this guy’s problem is, but he is a time bomb ready to blow.

Across from his Foreign Brand New to USA and Civilisation Guy. This guy is a trip. He’s from some obscure country in Asia and his English is quite terrible. I can understand him but other people in the office have a difficult time. Apparently Foreign Brand New to USA and Civilisation Guy thought that Hallowe’en occurs EVERY Thursday. He’s been going around the office repeating dirty jokes someone told him, without a clue that some of the things he’s been saying were really offensive. He has no idea that some things are not said in mixed company. Someone had to take him aside and let him know. I was dying laughing because he looked really embarrassed. Apparently, he’s been telling his pervy jokes to a number of people everywhere and no one has bothered to clue him in. Guess you didn’t get the memo, buddy. He also told Black Lung Cancer Cough of Death Overly Obese Man that he didn’t have to worry about being cold because he had an extra layer of insulation. Black Lung Cancer Man of Death Overly Obese Man said, “Are you trying to insinuate something about my weight?” Foreign Brand New to USA and Civilisation Guy says, “Yes, you have some extra to keep you warm.” Another guy in the office had to tell him that people don’t usually go around pointing out that people are extra fat. Foreign Brand New to USA and Civilisation Guy said, “Why not? He is fat. It’s okay to tell him because he already knows.”

These are the most amusing in the office, the people I get quite a laugh at everyday, but there’s also I Drive a Ford Focus So Everybody Listen to Me Guy, and Trekkie Gamer Nerd Computer Genius Social Life Loser Kid and his sidekick I’m Only Cute Because I Have a British Accent Guy and Pervy Stare Across the Room and Imagine You Naked Man. Yeah, I work with an interesting bunch.

Never a dull moment for me.