A Rose By Any Other Name

I don't know who said a rose by any other name is still a rose, but I can say that I only half agree with him.  

The other night on the Wayne Whitlock show, he posed the question, "Do you think it's disrespectful if you don't give the child the father's last name?  Why or why not?"  Firstly, I'm glad he finally asked a mature question instead of senseless questions about booty calls and one night stands, and secondly, this question really hit home with me.  

I do not know why, but I am truly amazed at how quickly people are to pass judgment on someone else.  I say I don't know why because this is life.  Everyday we're passing judgment on someone else, basing their lives on what we think they should be.  Good morals tell us not to judge, but we do it anyway.  I'm guilty of it.  You're guilty of it.  So we should probably move on.  I can't, however, because some of the responses to his question truly blew me away.  When it's someone else's business, people always act so affronted as if they would never do such a thing.  Perhaps one or two would never do such a thing, but the number of people who sounded so offended was amusing, to say the least.

I'm always floored that most people are not able to consider a person's position before coming to a conclusion.  Opinions are always hastily made, in the heat of the moment without a second thought.  Most people become so steadfast that they absolutely refuse to see another person's side, even if they are dead wrong and they know they are dead wrong.  

So, let's examine some of the responses Wayne Whitlock got to his question.  Naturally, I won't use anybody's name.  Most of the responders were women.

One girl said she doesn't think it's disrespectful because when you're not married and you have a baby, that's the way it can go.  Another girl said not naming the child after the father showed the mother's ignorance (unless she was raped).  She thinks you shouldn't have sex with a man if you aren't willing to have a baby by him.  She also thinks it's confusing to the child.  I think she may  have based her opinion on the fact that her husband never knew his own father.

Another woman said she thought it was disrespectful because the father helped to make the baby.  Don't deny the child the right of the other side.  She says we shouldn't allow our personal feelings about the relationship affect our ability to be a rational parent.  

Hmmm.  Very good reasoning.

Someone else said she'd give her baby the father's name no matter what the situation was.  Like it or not, he's the father, and plus there's always legal issues to worry about.

Someone said when she was young and had a baby she was going to give the kid her own name, but her mother told her that it was important for the kid to have the father's name.  The father was at first shitty, but then later turned out to be a good father to his kid.  She wants her children to know that they have family outside of her own.

Then there was the person who said the child should have the father's name even if you're "beefin'" with the "baby daddy" you should think twice about conceiving a child with a man who doesn't deserve to have a namesake.  

There were a lot of people who seemed to agree with this sentiment, saying things like "why would you put yourself in a situation where you can possibly be pregnant by someone you wouldn't name your child after," and "whatever the two of you are going through it should not have anything to do with the child."

All of this was very disconcerting.  I like it how most of the women seemed to think that not naming the child after the father was because they were beefin' or somehow the woman knew the father was a deadbeat but had a child by him anyway or why the woman put herself in a situation like that.  It seemed to me that these woman (the judges) were quick to place much of the blame on the woman by having a baby with a man she didn't want to name her child after.  No one seemed to consider the fact that maybe the man and woman didn't have any problems until the issue of a baby showed up.  Or maybe the man disappeared after he found she was pregnant.  

Since Wayne did not put any stipulations on the question, these women just came up with the "situation" of their own accord, and all of the situations were negative placing the woman at fault.  

Hey, I know about life and I know things are never what they same.  Men and women have been getting together outside of marriage since the dawn of time.  Men have been dipping out on expectant women since forever and that is never going to change.  Women have been hanging on to deadbeat men since before Jesus walked the earth and that is never going to change.  Women are always going to make excuses for men and that is just how it is.

I was seriously offended by some of the comments which is why I stopped reading the responses and stopped posting.  No sense in me getting all agitated and saying something out of turn.  These women don't know me and I don't know them.  We know nothing of our own situations.

I am a child that was named after the father because the mother thought it was the right thing to do.  Tradition being what it is, she always thought that kids should have their father's name.  I think when my parents got together, they were in happier times, but when my mother found out that I was going to making an appearance, my father was like, "Yeah, that's not really what I had in mind."

By all accounts, they were quite happy together until the prospect of a baby interrupted the dream.  She thought he would marry her; he thought she would "do something" about the situation.  Both were very wrong.  He said he would stick around, but in the end, he didn't.  My mother named me after him anyway.

Even though my mother was sorely bitter at my father and probably wouldn't have let me see him anyway, out of vengeance, he never even offered.  I didn't meet him until I was 19, but everyday before that I looked in the mirror and had a name that reflected a person I had never met.  I had a name that reflected a person who was not in the slightest bit interested in meeting me.  I used to want to ask my mother why she named me after him when obviously just hearing the name caused her great annoyance.  

Our names were so close that only one letter differed.  And it was the most agonising thing.  When school teachers would meet my mother they would refer to her as Mrs. [My Last Name] and I could see her skin crawl.  When teachers met my stepfather they would call him Mr. [My Last Name] and then there would be an endless round of humiliating explanations.  Since these are modern times, divorce and children born out of wedlock are a frequent occurrence.  Still, it doesn't mean that it's no less embarrassing.  

Since my mother married my stepfather, my sister and brother have his last name.  Everyone in the family has his last name, except me. Think of my shame when someone asked me if I was adopted.  How did I answer, "Why is your last name different?"  Think of loneliness I feel when someone pointedly says, "Yeah, but you're not the same as them." 

My mother and I do not share a great relationship.  We barely speak.  I know it's because I am my father's daughter.  I represent all the things she wanted out of life but didn't get.  I represent pain, misery, humiliation, and abandonment.  I represent mistrust, betrayal and lies.  Every time she said my name it was like a curse.  Not like the "F" word, but more like an eternal damnation, like something from the Bible.  I asked myself a million times over, why did you name me after him?

Is it because it gave her some hope that he might later be interested?  Who knows?  I have never asked her, and now the whole situation is moot.  After thirty years of questions, embarrassment, self doubt, and a sense of worthlessness and feeling like I had no identity, I finally changed my name.  I wanted to do so ever since I was a kid.  I used to make up names.  You know how on the first day of school the teacher would ask if had a nickname or a name you preferred, I would always make up some totally random name.  I've been Phoebe, Irma, Gwen, Mary and Desdemona, none of which sound anything like my former name.  

I think my parents were completely clueless as to why I was doing this.  I don't think it ever occurred to them I was changing my name because I absolutely abhorred my given name.  Not only did it remind me of the father who wanted nothing to do with me, but it was the worst name I had ever heard (and that's a whole other story) with connotations I don't feel like getting into.

I change my whole entire name, first, middle and last.  It seems pretty drastic, but I just couldn't take it anymore.  I was tired of signing that idiotic name.  I was tired of representing someone who had absolutely zero interest in me.  I was tired of attaching myself to a family that I knew nothing about.  

Subsequently, I do know my father's side of the family but most times I don't have a sense of family, more of friendship with the aunts and cousins I've met.  I rarely see my father and no one ever mentions him to me, except in periphery.  My aunt begged me not to change my name when I first told her I was going to do it.  I had already submitted the paperwork because my mind was already set.  

My mother seemed surprised when I told her what I was about.  My sister thought it was for the best.  When I chose my new name (after months of agonising...and this is why people should not name themselves) my stepfather asked why I didn't pick his last name.  For sheer vanity purposes, his last name is corny, but more importantly, I feel like if he was going to give me his last name, it would have been done a long time ago.  I let my mother choose my first name and I picked my own middle names.  I chose her maiden name since she was unmarried at the time of my birth.

I agree with some of those women on the Wayne Whitlock show, you shouldn't use your child in vengeance.  Don't alienate the kid because you and the father are having issues.  If he's in the child's life and wants to be in the kid's life, then it is his right, whether you're married or not.  But in the end, your child's welfare is the most important thing.  Not your pride or your vanity.  Be prepared for whatever comes up in your child's life.  If his father is absent and he wants to know why he isn't the same as everybody else in the family, you have to answer for that.  If he feels like he has no identity, you have to take care of that.  If he feels like he doesn't belong, then you need to address that too.

Or you could be like my mother and totally ignore the situation and use your child's name (the father's name) as a source of apathy, disregard, humiliation and alienation.  Since it's your own fault that you shacked up with a man you had the foresight to know would ditch you after you found out you were pregnant.