Swine Flu: A Conspiracy Theory

So yesterday, I learned where swine flu came from.

I stopped into the karate school to see about future lessons and everything, and the owner, Mr. Al, God bless his poor soul, stopped to chat me up. He's very loquacious, always going from one subject to another, but never really talking about what you need him to talk about.

His business suffered greatly from the swine flu outbreak of '09 (hahaha), and I kind of feel bad for him. For some strange reason, we got on the subject of swine flu. Maybe it's because I've got this horrendous cough and he noticed it. Who knows? At any rate, he tells me that he has uncovered the secret of the origins of swine flu.

Oh really?

Well, this is all very hush-hush, so you better be careful who you tell, but I'll tell you all just so we can stay informed as Americans.

Mr. Al has a son who is in the military. He's a logistics technician, which really means he's a supply guy stationed somewhere, I forget where. He called Mr. Al last week to tell him that he has found out everything on the whole swine flu H1N1 situation.

Turns out, the American government concocted swine flu as an experiment to test biological weapons. Operation: Swine Flu, as it's being called, is a precursor to a far deadlier disease that the American military will unleash on its unsuspecting enemies, namely those who are living in Afghanistan. Mr. Al's son overheard the secret plans and immediately 'phoned his father to warn him about coming too close to American military bases.

You know all those warning signs you see around government installations? These signs are an indication that biological warfare is being tested at that very location; they don't want people coming too close or else they may come down with something the government is working on.

So, after concocting swine flu, the American military purposely unleashed it on the world to see how quickly it would spread. They also wanted to figure out how people would react. The tests results are in: the government has decided that swine flu is perfect because people got upset and began taking immediate action and widespread paranoia ensued.

It's not so much that the government wants to kill the enemy with a virus, but panic and dissemble the enemy. If everyone is worried about potentially dying from some disease, nobody is suicide-bombing. See? The American government purposely injected its own soldiers with swine flu then sent them out into the world to infect everybody else.

But... (you know there's always a but)... the experiment got out of control. The soldiers in Afghanistan are not really dying of Taliban insurgency, but swine flu. The swine flu virus grew too large and too potent and now we can't control it. We didn't produce a vaccination in mass quantities because we didn't think it was going to be this big. As you can see from the papers, the government is ordering health care officials and other government personnel to get the vaccine, but they insist that other people are okay.

See how everything falls into place?

*sighs*

This is the same guy who constantly refers to President Obama as President Osama.

*sighs*

A representative of the American people.