Snowmaggedon #5: Free At Last

…free at last…
…free at last…
…Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last…

Seriously.

So, yesterday afternoon, for the first time EVER in the history of this winter season, a snow plow came down my street. It’s a bloody miracle! It was becoming quite dangerous to even traverse the thing. We were down to half a lane and without any room to pull over to the side to allow another car to come through. It was getting to the point where two cars would sit at either ends of the block, staring each other down, wondering which one would back up first. Even the big trucks were getting stuck in the deep drifts. Everyone was sliding around on the two inch thick layer of permafrost that covered the street.

I’m a practical person, and I knew it’ll be some time before we all get back to normal, but I refused to believe that Prince George’s County was going to completely abandon us. I was hopeful that one of these days, even if it is May 12, someone would show up and clear a path on my block. I have a feeling the only reason they did it is because they have to get waste management through and the postal service. If they had left it, there wouldn’t be trash pick up until July and the post office wouldn’t be able to deliver mail until next August. I had a brief hallucination of the postman blocking up the street for half an hour while he delivered mail. The sad part is that none of the mailboxes were visible because they were all covered in snow, and secondly the street is only one lane. Where would the mailman pull off so he could do his round? The trash truck would get stuck with no place to turn around. We haven’t had mail service or trash pick up since… I don’t know… I know we haven’t had either all last week.

I arrive to work this morning after having been off for 10 days. I got the shaft from my company. No pay for every day I wasn’t supposed to be off. It’s really crappy but since I’m not exactly hurting for money, I won’t cry too much. It’s just the principle of the whole thing. It was entirely too dangerous to be out on the road but yet somehow someone managed to make it in each day to open up HQ so we would have a place to work. What’s that all about? At any rate, parking over here is a disaster area. Parking isn’t usually bad at my location, but there’s just no place to put all this damn snow. Half of the back of the lot is full of snow. There are six foot high snow piles on the edge of sidewalks that will probably fall into the street once things get melting. I expect avalanches soon.

I wonder where they put all the snow. There was already some pretty sizeable snow mountains in random parking lots across the area because of the big snow in December. That stuff hadn’t melted, not to mention all the “minor” snows we’ve had in between. People are so focused on the mega snow that they don’t even remember those 5 inch snow we’ve had. Remember when five inches used to be like… oh my God, now it’s like… whateves…

A co-worker said that they were putting the snow in the Potomac. I don’t know if I believe that, but just in case… is that safe? Won’t that cause like some kind of flooding problem or desalination… global warming… I don’t know what I’m talking about, just repeating things (and not very well) that I’ve heard on TV. When the snow plow came to my street, all he did was scoop the snow out the street and dump it into people’s yards. Mt. Everest is erupting from my front yard. Seriously, it is a mega pile of snow there.

Well, I guess we are all back to work now. No more fun and games. I predict that we’ll get another healthy snow before the season is out and I also think we’re going to have a rainy gross spring and hot, muggy gross summer. I don’t know anything about climate change or global warming or whatever, but I don’t understand where people have this set in stone idea that global warming means only hotter temperatures. I think it means like some kind of disruption in the natural flow of things. So we’ll have bizarre hot summers and freakishly snowy cold winters in places where you don’t even get snow like that. Cuz if you look at it, if you minus the snow, it has been FRIGID this winter.

But that’s just my unprofessional opinion.

Snowmaggedon #4: Snow To Hell

Well, here we are on day…. uhm… I don’t even know what day this is since it started snowing like it’s the Day After Tomorrow.

I got off work last Friday at 200PM and I haven’t been back since. I was prepared for a dry weekend of staying in the house with Star Trek, Ugly Betty and Law & Order marathons, but this is like day five of doing absolutely nothing.

For Snowmaggedon (the Capital Weather Gang has started naming the storms so we can keep track) I stayed home. I laid up to the Super Bowl. I was planning on a party but after three hours of non-stop shovelling Sunday morning, I called it quits. I took a hot bath and crashed on the couch for the rest of the evening. I kind of knew there wouldn’t be any work on Monday because the plow crews have a lot on their hands trying to figure out what to do with 30 inches of snow. Where are they going to put all that mess?

I kind of stopped paying attention to the weather for a few minutes because I thought it was over and then I caught a glimpse of the weather report for this week. What the hell do you mean more snow? When I came out of the house on Sunday morning after Mother Nature had stopped shaking her dandruff, I almost couldn’t believe it. It’s like a bad joke. This cannot be real. I kept waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out of a snow bank and yell “you’ve been snowed!” Hahah. And they are saying more snow? Then I assumed it was going to be like 3-5 inches, something like that. A casual snow. Snow kidding, they said 6-16 inches depending on the area. Yeah the fuck right.

Monday, I packed up shop, hit the market again and headed over to my friend SF’s house. I figured that at some point this week I would be going to work and her neighbourhood gets plowed whereas my neighbourhood doesn’t. I live at the bottom of the hill and the accumulating snow has drifted downwards, making it very dangerous for my woogie old Hyundai to navigate. Not to mention with 30 inches of snow and three cars in the driveway, there’s just way too much going on.

They cancelled work for Tuesday and Wednesday. Here it is Wednesday afternoon and we are seriously getting cabin fever. I am grateful to be over her house, with someone to talk to for a little while instead of listening to the sound of my own thoughts rattling around in my head, but this is getting to be a little much. Capital Weather Gang has named this new storm Snoverkill. Yeah, seriously. We got about 10 inches out of this, but the conditions are deplorable. High winds, downed trees, downed power lines, frigid temperatures, ice everywhere. It is definitely unsafe.

Luckily the power has stayed on and we have a few things to eat but eventually we will run out. The snow is expected to cease tonight, but cleanup on Thursday? Will I need to work tomorrow? Ugh. I will have to shovel myself out from here, then head home and shovel myself out from other there. I’m thinking about chalking up this entire week as a loss because really, what work will I get done this week if I go tomorrow or Friday? Not a goddamn thing.

But guess what? They said more snow this weekend! Weather Channel posted a 60 per cent chance of snow for Saturday through Monday. They haven’t come in with any expected totals but just the mere thought… I’m moving to Australia.

SNO… M… F… G. Snow over it.

Snowmaggedon #3: Snowbound!

I got home around 3PM after running a few errands after work. I went to Blockbuster first, and didn't find anything I wanted so there was nothing to make me wait in the monstrous line that was wrapped around the store. The clerk said it had been a madhouse in the video store since the day before. Next I headed over to the bank to get the rent money and some ice cream from Baskin Robbins next door. The bank had closed early and people were very irritated to say the least. Luckily, I can get what I need from the ATM. The ice cream store was also set to close down in an hour or so. The lady told me they would close after they sold the last doughnut on the shelf. Lastly, I went to Giant. It wasn't that bad. I only went in there because I was being greedy. I had already done most of my grocery shopping two days prior.

I ate dinner and took a long nap until around 10PM, then got up to start shovelling. My steps descend into a bowl-like area that would quickly fill up if I don't take care of it. The last time I waited too long and the snow barricaded against the door and then froze, making it extremely difficult to get out of the house. I shovelled at 11PM, midnight and 130 in the morning. The snow was coming down so rapidly that it was like... what's the point, but then again, as I already explained. I got up at 7AM because my neighbours woke up like they were on their way somewhere. They seemed to be rushing around. Hate to say it, guys, but there's about 16 inches of snow on the ground and they do NOT plow my street. We're not going anywhere.

I shovelled the back steps once again and then started on making a pathway to the front of the house. That's really important because the snow fall is about waist high and then the drifts are putting the levels around my head. Seriously. I waded out to the front and stood on the quiet street for a little while. It is amazing how the earth just comes to a stand still when it's snowing like this. Very peaceful. Except for the potential danger of power outages and freezing to death, I can't imagine why people don't like this. I guess it's that fast paced world we live in. People need to feel like they can get somewhere. They want to rush around, instead of just taking this moment to enjoy it. We don't have to be at work. We don't have to rush to the bank, pay bills, run here or there. We can sit in our cosy little homes, enjoy our family, eat, sleep, chill, whatever. I enjoy these times.

Once this stuff starts melting, well, it's back to business and no more opportunities to just slow down. I feel sorry for people who feel like this is all a big inconvenience. I do realise that some people have to work no matter what. When I was enslaved at TSA, I had to get to work no matter what conditions, and even then I didn't mind it. I just got up extra early, packed a hearty lunch and took my time getting there. No rush. Let me enjoy the scenery. Plenty of time for craziness once I actually got in the building.

But now, I can truly enjoy what Mother Nature has to offer. Look how beautiful it is.

I'm done shovelling for right now. I'll go back out later on this afternoon and work on the driveway, but for now, I'm enjoying a little Enya and some pancakes. Then I'll settle in for a movie and mid-morning nap. Life don't get any better than this.













































Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Snowmaggedon #2: The Futile Search

Yesterday I braved the wilds to forage for food at the local Wal-Mart only to be beaten by the ravaging pack of wolves that had been unleashed on their lunch breaks. The shelves were picked bare, leaving behind only one lone bowl of Dinty More (the soup that eats like a meal) and a few packages of Oriental flavoured Ramen noodles. I chronicled how I was humiliated beyond belief when I dared to ask the clerk if there were anymore snow shovels. He offered me a garden shovel, but he was laughing so hard that I just walked away.

When I got off work last night, I went to the dentist so I didn’t have time to skulk around the hardware stores looking for a shovel. I woke up bright and early to get in to the job and out in all possible haste. I despaired because we only have one shovel at the house, and really it just makes more sense to have two when you have multiple occupants. No way do I want to be breaking my back while someone else lords over me.

I got to work at 5AM and I immediately begin hounding all of the hardware homepages (Lowe’s, Home Depot, Ace Hardware). Lowe’s flat out tells me, “WE AIN’T GO NO MORE SHOVELS.” There website says “sold out” at all the Lowe’s within a 200 mile radius. Forget them. Home Depot doesn’t even list shovels on their page at all. Every time I tried to search, I came up with an error. Do they or do they not sell shovels? Who even knows. Ace Hardware says they have shovels, but they can’t tell them which stores are in stock. At 655, I go out to my car with all these phone numbers to stores in the area. I don’t want to waste precious time driving from one end of the city to the other looking for a shovel.

I called Ace first since they were closest. “Good morning, I have an insane question.”

“I’m sorry we are out of shovels, salt, snow blowers and anything even remotely related to winter.”

“Thank you and have a good day.”

I tried to call Home Depot but they “aren’t open” even though it is now after 7AM. Target doesn’t open until 8, so I might as well just drive down to Home Depot to waste some time and then check out Harbour Freight and Target on the way back to the job. I get to Home Depot and as I’m parking, I see several people coming out of the store with shovels. LUCK!

I rush inside the store. “Where are the shovels?”

The bored salesclerk says, “Right there.”

They didn’t even bother taking them out of their shipping boxes. They just dumped the palettes onto the floor, and it was like a free for all. Anybody would have thought they were giving away gold ingots. I grab one, but of course, I’m an idiot because I want to examine the quality of the shovel. Is it ergonomically correct? How will this fit in my hand? Let me give it a few practise digs before I take it home. As if I have other options!

Once again, there were people going completely overboard. Now, I know this is America and we’re all capitalist or whatever, and maybe we need to stimulate the economy somehow, but do you really need EIGHT shovels. Seriously. There was a woman who had eight shovels in her basket. Her husband had three in his. I’m sure they were going to sell them. I don’t believe that they were “getting them for someone else,” as the woman apologetically explained to the cashier in front of me. Yeah right.

Anyway, I’m glad I got one and it didn’t take too much effort. I head out to the car and there’s a guy parking right next to me. He sees the shovel in my hand. “I hope there’s some more,” he said desperately.

You better hurry up, buddy.

I bet they’ll be sold out of shovels by 815.

This is dedicated to Felecia who told me that Home Depot and Lowe’s gets a delivery truck every Tuesday and Thursday night.

Snowmaggedon #1 Too Fast Too Flurry

Okay, so I dipped off on my lunch break to hit the markets ahead of Snowzilla that is supposed to wallop the DC metro area. I love the snow; I love it very much. No matter how much snow we get, I never get annoyed. Yeah, we got to shovel it out and it’s all cold and it gets everywhere, and you have to drive a little slower but stuff like that doesn’t bother me. Bring it on! Let the snow begin.

Yeah, so I go to the Amish market around the way from my house. Man, it was like Saturday mornings times two! Saturday morning is the worst time to go to the market, right next to Sunday after church. The parking lot was crammed, took me about 15 minutes to find any parking space, let alone a good one. The one thing I hate about the Amish market is that you have to wait in line at each counter to get what you want. The poultry is in one line; the meat is in another; produce yet another and baked goods in still yet another line. You could be there all day long waiting in random lines to get what you wanted.

I obviously needed vegetables, but I also wanted some steaks so I could grill and I was in the mood for some Cornish hens. The produce line was mad long. They do everything by number. I get there, my number is 37. They are on 8. The poultry line: I get number 29, they are on 3. I didn’t even bother getting a line for the butcher because I drew number 75 and they were on 12. Forget that.

But that’s not what I’m complaining about. Let’s talk about how people think this is about to be 2012: The Day After Tomorrow. Since I normally do my grocery shopping on the weekend, I am winding down on what’s left in my cupboards. I also know that I will not be able to do my regular shopping because of the heavy snow. That is why I’m shopping today. I know that we are expecting upwards of two feet of snow, but I don’t think that I will be “sheltering in place” until next Christmas. Apparently, some people are under this impression. The woman in front of me bought two whole chickens, five pounds of party wings, 10 pounds of chicken legs, a few more pounds of turkey legs and six pot pies. Maybe she has an army back at home, but then she says to another lady, “I live by myself and I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

Well, you won’t starve. That’s for damn sure.

Another woman buys enough food to feed the Haitian refugees and says it’s just her and her husband at home. Do you regularly buy this much food? I didn’t ask, but it just seems kind of stupid to me. I was getting annoyed because while I was waiting I was scared they were going to run out of game hens. There were only four left and I had like 25 people in front of me. What if someone buys my hens because they think this is snomageddon or some shit?

Same thing at the produce counter. This guy bought like six bushels of potatoes. Do you have any idea how big a bushel is? Pounds and pounds of apples; mad bunches of brocolli, I’m just like okay, people, seriously… people don’t generally think of other people, and I know I don’t but it would have been annoying to me that I couldn’t get one sweet potato because grandma in front of me bought enough to feed the entire nation of Israel and half of Palestine.

At any rate, I did get the things I wanted. I couldn’t get a shovel from Wal-Mart though. I might go around to the various Home Depots in my neighbourhood to see if I can get one. I got laughed at so hard for even asking. I said to the guy, “You wouldn’t happen to have any more snow shovels, would you?” He busted out laughing and some other guy was like, “Boy, I could be rich…” and then several customers around me started laughing, including some old man who apparently got the last shovel. He was clutching it in his varicose veined hands with this evil look in his eye. “Yeah, bitch, I got your shovel.”

*rolls eyes*

At any rate, I’m very excited about the snow, but I fear we are pumping it up too much. What if we jinx it? What if we only get a few inches? What if it’s mostly sleet? I’m very concerned about this. They even named the storm. I think they are calling it “Snowmaggedon.” That’s cute. Snowzilla will have her revenge. That is cool because I will be snugged up in my house with my food, blu-ray movies and my treadmill. I will alternate between eating, working out, sleeping and watching movies; repeat and enjoy.